The Love Game

We all live in a stressful world with many demands on our time and attention. Navigating these turbulent waters with your spouse can (and will) at times be challenging. According to John Gottman, one way to strengthen the sails is have a deep knowledge and understanding of your spouse, “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms.” He refers to this knowledge as a “love map” and suggests a fun game to strengthen our marital bonds. It is the LOVE MAP 20 QUESTIONS GAME! The first step is to take a piece of paper and a pen and with your spouse randomly select 20 numbers between 1 and 60. After selecting the numbers match the number to the question in the list and ask your partner. If the partner gets it right he/she gets the points listed next to the question and you get 1 point. If the answer is incorrect nobody scores. Take turns asking each other questions until all 20 questions have been played.

1. Name my two closest friends. (2)

2. What is my favorite musical group, composer. Or instrument? (2)

3. What was I wearing when we first met? (2)

4. Name one of my hobbies. (3)

5. Where was I born? (1)

6. What stresses am I facing right now? (4)

7. Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday. (4)

8. When is my birthday? (1)

9. What is the date of our anniversary? (1)

10. Who is my favorite relative? (2)

11. What is my fondest unrealized dream? (5)

12. What is my favorite website? (2)

13. What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios? (3)

14. What is my favorite time of day for lovemaking? (3)

15. What makes me feel most competent? (4)

16. What turns me on sexually? (3)

17. What is my favorite meal? (2)

18. What is my favorite way to spend an evening? (2)

19. What is my favorite color? (1)

20. What personal improvements do I want to make in my life? (4)

21. What kind of present would I like best? (2)

22. What was one of my best childhood experiences? (2)

23. What was my favorite vacation? (2)

24. What is one of my favorite ways to relax? (4)

25. Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)? (3)

26. What is my favorite sport? (2)

27. What do I most like to do with time off? (2)

28. What is one of my favorite weekend activities? (2)

29. What is my dream getaway place? (3)

30. What is my favorite movie? (2)

31. What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel   about them? (4)

32. What are some of my favorite ways to work out? (2)

33. Who was my best friend in childhood? (3)

34. What is one of my favorite magazines? (2)

35. Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.” (3)

36. What would I consider my ideal job? (4)

37. What do I fear the most? (4)

38. Who is my least favorite relative? (3)

39. What is my favorite holiday? (2)

40. What kinds of books do I most like to read? (3)

41. What is my favorite TV show? (2)

42. Which side of the bed do I prefer? (2)

43. What am I most sad about? (4)

44. Name one of my concerns or worries. (4)

45. What medical problems do I worry about? (2)

46. What was my most embarrassing moment? (3)

47. What was my worst childhood experience? (3)

48. Name tow of the people I most admire. (4)

49. Name my major rival or enemy. (3)

50. Of all the people we both know, who do I like the least? (3)

51. What is one of my favorite desserts? (2)

52. What is my social security number? (2)

53. Name on e of my favorite novels. (2)

54. What is my favorite restaurant? (2)

55. What are two of my aspirations, hopes, wishes? (4)

56. Do I have a secret ambition? What is it? (4)

57. What foods do I hate? (2)

58. What is my favorite animal? (2)

59. What is my favorite song? (2)

60. Which sports team is my favorite? (2)[1]

It may seem silly, but playing this game will really expand your knowledge of each other, which will give you both a better understanding of each other. Which will strengthen your marriage.

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[1] Gottman, John M. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. 1999. Enhance Your Love Maps. pg 59-60.

Creating Your Own Story

Below are key ingredients to creating your own succes story with your spouse. If these are applied most marriages would whether any storm and the divorce rates would drop dramatically. Below are some recommended questions that came from the book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, by H. Wallace Goddard, PH.D.

Thoughts

What are some ways that your spouse is perfectly designed to help you grow spiritually?

How can you more gladly welcome the challenges that your spouse offers you?

Feelings

When we focus on our discontent, we are likely to blame any who have contributed to it. In contrast, when we focus on someone else’s pains, we are more likely to have compassion. Do you fee compassion for your partner’s difficulties and disappointments? Could you study what your partner’s pains mean to him or her in order to cultivate your compassion?

Actions

When you see your partner in distress, do you go to him or her willing to offer help? Their distress may be as routine as feeling overwhelmed by the demands of an unusually busy day or as big as the death of a loved one. On occasions both small and large, do you stand ready to offer compassion and a helping hand?

What can you do to be better prepared to offer help in times of need?[1]

In considering the above questions to help in our interactions assess the presense of THE FOUR HORSEMEN[2] in your interactions with your spouse.

1. Criticism

When does a complaint turn into criticism? A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event. But criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality, e.g. “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it is your turn. You just don’t care.”

2. Contempt

Contempt is a form of disrespect or a sense of superiority over one’s partner. Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. Some examples are name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor.

3. Defensiveness

When someone makes an accusation it is natural to get defensive. However, getting defensive only escalates the conflict. Don’t get defensive!

4. Stonewalling

This is much like it sounds. How do you think a conversation with a stone wall would go? It would be pretty one-sided. When conversations in a marriage are loaded with complaint, contempt, defensiveness, etc. it easily leads to stonewalling. The other partner my become so flooded with feelings and emotions that they essentially shut down, leaving the interaction by stonewalling.

If we can try to better understand our thoughts, feelings and actions we will have more power to create our own story. Understanding the Four Horsemen and how they may infect our marriage can help us make the necessary changes to improve communication. With successful communication we will soon find that we live in a state of harmony with our best-friend, our spouse.

To learn more detail about the Four Horseman I recommend the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman, PH.D.

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[1] Goddard, Wallace, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2007, 26-27.

[2] Gottman, John M, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, 30-39.