Below are key ingredients to creating your own succes
story with your spouse. If these are applied most marriages would whether any
storm and the divorce rates would drop dramatically. Below are some recommended questions that came from the book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, by H. Wallace Goddard, PH.D.
Thoughts
What are some ways that your spouse is perfectly designed to
help you grow spiritually?
How can you more gladly welcome the challenges that your
spouse offers you?
Feelings
When we focus on our discontent, we are likely to blame any
who have contributed to it. In contrast, when we focus on someone else’s pains,
we are more likely to have compassion. Do you fee compassion for your partner’s
difficulties and disappointments? Could you study what your partner’s pains
mean to him or her in order to cultivate your compassion?
Actions
When you see your partner in distress, do you go to him or
her willing to offer help? Their distress may be as routine as feeling
overwhelmed by the demands of an unusually busy day or as big as the death of a
loved one. On occasions both small and large, do you stand ready to offer
compassion and a helping hand?
What can you do to be better prepared to offer help in times
of need?[1]
In considering the above questions to help in our
interactions assess the presense of THE FOUR HORSEMEN[2] in
your interactions with your spouse.
1. Criticism
When does a complaint turn into criticism? A complaint
focuses on a specific behavior or event. But criticism is global and expresses
negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality, e.g.
“Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when
it is your turn. You just don’t care.”
2. Contempt
Contempt is a form of disrespect or a sense of superiority
over one’s partner. Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. Some examples
are name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor.
3. Defensiveness
When someone makes an accusation it is natural to get
defensive. However, getting defensive only escalates the conflict. Don’t get
defensive!
4. Stonewalling
This is much like it sounds. How do you think a conversation
with a stone wall would go? It would be pretty one-sided. When conversations in
a marriage are loaded with complaint, contempt, defensiveness, etc. it easily
leads to stonewalling. The other partner my become so flooded with feelings and
emotions that they essentially shut down, leaving the interaction by
stonewalling.
If we can try to better understand our thoughts, feelings and
actions we will have more power to create our own story. Understanding the Four
Horsemen and how they may infect our marriage can help us make the necessary changes to improve communication. With successful communication we will soon find that we live in a
state of harmony with our best-friend, our spouse.
To learn more detail about the Four Horseman I recommend the
book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage
Work, by John M. Gottman, PH.D.
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