Marriage is a Covenant not a Contract

The instances of divorce dramatically increased with the passing of “no fault” divorce; a divorce in which the dissolution of a marriage does not require a showing of wrongdoing by either party. Laws providing for no-fault divorce allow a family court to grant a divorce in response to a petition by either party of the marriage without requiring the petitioner to provide evidence that the defendant has committed a breach of the marital contract. in 1969. (Wikipedia)  Divorce rates increased in the 70s and began to decline by 1982, but are still at staggering rates of between 40-50%. One problem with the no fault divorce law is that it makes it so easy to attain a divorce. With the ease of a legal divorce, those who could have potentially saved their marriages may opt to end the marriage instead of working things out. I need to mention that divorce in many instances is the answer, and I am thankful people in abusive relationships or where a spouse simply will not be faithful have a way out and a hope for a better life.

I believe marriage is a sacred agreement or covenant between man, woman and God. When we view marriage as a covenant which includes God the sacredness of the union becomes deep and binding. The following thoughts and story from an article titled, Covenant Marriage, in the Ensign magazine written by, Bruce C. Hafen, explains the difference between a covenant marriage and a contractual marriage.

“Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth... because he ... careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, ... and I lay down my life for the sheep.” Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other” (1996 Hafen)

My husband and I in 1992 Los Angeles Temple

Our firstborn on her wedding day 2016 Provo City Center Temple

Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves. The first wolf is natural adversity. After asking God for years to give them a first child, David and Fran had a baby with a serious heart defect. Following a three-week struggle, they buried their newborn son. Like Adam and Eve before them, they mourned together, brokenhearted, in faith before the Lord.

Second, the wolf of their own imperfections will test them. One woman told me through her tears how her husband’s constant criticism finally destroyed not only their marriage but her entire sense of self-worth. He first complained about her cooking and housecleaning, and then about how she used her time, how she talked, looked, and reasoned. Eventually she felt utterly inept and dysfunctional. My heart ached for her, and for him. Contrast her with a young woman who had little self-confidence when she first married. Then her husband found so much to praise in her that she gradually began to believe she was a good person and that her opinions mattered. His belief in her rekindled her innate self-worth.

The third wolf is the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes. A seven-year-old girl came home from school crying, “Mom, don’t I belong to you? Our teacher said today that nobody belongs to anybody—children don’t belong to parents, husbands don’t belong to wives. I am yours, aren’t I, Mom?” Her mother held her close and whispered, “Of course you’re mine—and I’m yours, too.” Surely marriage partners must respect one another’s individual identity, and family members are neither slaves nor in animate objects. But this teacher’s fear, shared today by many, is that the bonds of kinship and marriage are not valuable ties that bind, but are, instead, sheer bondage. Ours is the age of the waning of belonging.” (1996 Hafen)

In my marriage I believe the second wolf is our biggest threat. Not that we share the same issue of criticism, but in that I see our own imperfections get in the way. What my husband and I have going for us is that we view our marriage as sacred. We made a covenant to each other and to the Lord in the Los Angeles Temple 25 years ago. With this deep commitment and love we are willing to work to make our marriage deeply fulfilling for each other and our children. We both understand that we are not perfect. We try to focus on the other person more than ourselves. We seek to learn and grow together through work, study and wholesome recreation as a couple and a family. I know as we continue to be selfless, to have charity toward one another and to stay close to the Lord through prayer and study, we will one day stand before the Lord as Eternal Companions.